Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
