Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.