My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
It's never too late to be topless.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
