my mouth tastes like poor choices
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
