she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My vagina is officially offended.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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