when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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