chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
