i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
