For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
