we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Drunk is not a location!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
