Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he thought i was a dude.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
