Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
