and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
