remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn