it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....