I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.