I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
