I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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