I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
