I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
