you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
