We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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