I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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