Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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