Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
