My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
