Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We left an ass print on the piano.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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