I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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