she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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