Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
