I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
