Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
