Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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