Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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