I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
