i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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