My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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