I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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