Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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