Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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