At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I puked a lego.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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