His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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