The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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