Your face is a jimmy john
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
