i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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