This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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