using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
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The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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