it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
