On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
