Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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