I wish I could punch you in the face.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
