dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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