Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
