Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
NoShamevember. You game?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
