youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
