I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
