someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i out mim tonsoeep
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