I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
