I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
