just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
