I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Im part way to drunk.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
