theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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