Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
