as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
