oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
