It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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