Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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